blue notebooks (I)

9/2/14

Dream:
my hands searching her body, finding bandages over each part I am longing to grope

love:
two corpses found entertwined

a comic character
for each of my moods and demons
actors/actresses to play each
directed by me
I playing none

"Radioactive" she called me
as I glowed and exploded
threatening to wipe my guts
in a courtyard
on South Avenue

to-buy
litebulbs
bandages for my ass

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My hwy
lover,
goin'
thru the
hwy of
my mind.
- Stan Fick

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[early draft for "most influential books" nonsense horseshit, oy, I take this one so serious.- ed.]

Ed Abbey- Monkey Wrench Gang
Michael Crichton - Jurassic Park
Michael Azerrad - Our Band...
Don Delillo - White Noise
William Faulkner - Sound and the Fury
Lawrence Ferlinghetti - Coney Island...
Kahlil Gibran - The Prophet
Allen Ginsberg - Howl
Knut Hamsun - Pan
Herman Hesse - Steppenwolf
Charles Jackson - The Lost Weekend
Stephen King - The Stand
Mikhail Lermontov - Hero of Our Time
Gabriel Garcia Marquez - One Hundred Years...
Henry Miller - Tropic of Cancer
Alan Moore - V for Vendetta
Pablo Neruda - Sea and the Bells
Flannery O'Conner - Wise Blood
Neil Stephenson - Snow Crash
Hunter S Thompson - Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
Lao Tzu - Tao Teh Ching
Tim O'Brien - The Things They Carried
Philip K Dick - ...Androids...

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Whether wither
with refusal
a constant sigh
to pain pariahs
a sticky mess
no more'n usual
a lot must die
for lone reprisal

-----------------------------------------------

A certain fog
addressed
assigned
to those tragically
immobile

Leave me alone
I want to roar
and write poetry
Leave me alone
I want to burn
and write poems

And who's to
say I am
not an
archangel?

-----------------------------------------

9/9/14


Tragic white boy at the laundromat; pubescent, maybe, feet too big for chicken legs, too-big feet shoved in designer sneakers, fool weasel parents bitch bitch, I nearly passed out here, earlier, from heat and hangover and anxiety, but now am on drugs and halfway drunk and my disgust has been replaced with "happy" indifference.

Coke machine has hand-written note, sez "See attendant for Diet Coke", but I know the secret, that is, the Diet Coke button works just fine, but if you press it Twice it gives you two cans for the 75 cent price of one. O Dietz, you rascal! You shrew! I am now two Diet Cokes richer, and add to that a beautiful girl has come into my life (joking; she has simply come into the same laundromat as I) and to watch her for the next forty minutes while my clothes dry am I truly blessed.

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Will I never be free from this loving tug in my loins, my compass needle dick spinning at the cunt's magnetic pole and the nipples' cardinal pull?

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I am an addict with no willingness to cease being so. It affects every relationship I deign to pursue, and at great cost. I have no idea how to stop. I am going to kill myself, but the horror is in my complacency towards dying. Consequences are no longer of consequence. Too proud to seek help, too weak, too stupid, too stubborn, too defined by addiction.