what had I done?

and when the pigs kneeled so heavy upon me

and named me a homosexual

and bloodied me

for what had I done?

drank drinks marvelous drinks

sucked some joint of spice

with Sugar my tranny neighbor

ran howling off into down

Missouri

while someone shattered windows

someone's shattered window

and maybe a drain pipe here

a drain pipe there

and I laughed in my leather

breathing a new october

until then kneeled upon so heavy

and when, then,

what did you say to me?

and when I left my bullets sown upon my floor

and upon my bed

and upon my tables

and balanced my guns on chairs

and had these dreams of feeling for them

in the dark

finding a tiny body

not a barrel in my mouth

nor a job to go back to

waking bloodied

for what I had done?

fallen down stairs

broken my nose

and bled oozing clotted snot

blackened my eyes so bright

what did you say to me?

ah, for I kept it all a secret

I slept as a ghost

ashamed to have friends

worried in their anger

and angry in their worry

but I kept it all a secret

for what had I done?

alienated, my own fault

due course

lawless drunk marvelous drunk

I expect things from my friends

which I will never give to them

and I expect love of lovers

whom I will never love

what did you ever say to me

I do not ask nor indict

but instead am straining to recall

what have you said

for what I had done?

where could I have

fashioned my rudder from bone and board

the resolute bones

of those who would laugh apart my victories

my victory of waking

my victory of sleeping

always a surprise

when one follows the other