Wednesday, August 27, 2014

what had I done?

and when the pigs kneeled so heavy upon me
and named me a homosexual
and bloodied me
for what had I done?
drank drinks marvelous drinks
sucked some joint of spice
with Sugar my tranny neighbor
ran howling off into down
while someone shattered windows
someone's shattered window
and maybe a drain pipe here
a drain pipe there
and I laughed in my leather
breathing a new october
until then kneeled upon so heavy
and when, then,
what did you say to me?

and when I left my bullets sown upon my floor
and upon my bed
and upon my tables
and balanced my guns on chairs
and had these dreams of feeling for them
in the dark
finding a tiny body
not a barrel in my mouth
nor a job to go back to
waking bloodied
for what I had done?
fallen down stairs
broken my nose
and bled oozing clotted snot
blackened my eyes so bright
what did you say to me?

ah, for I kept it all a secret
I slept as a ghost
ashamed to have friends
worried in their anger
and angry in their worry
but I kept it all a secret

for what had I done?

alienated, my own fault
due course
lawless drunk marvelous drunk
I expect things from my friends
which I will never give to them
and I expect love of lovers
whom I will never love

what did you ever say to me
I do not ask nor indict
but instead am straining to recall
what have you said
for what I had done?

where could I have
fashioned my rudder from bone and board
the resolute bones
of those who would laugh apart my victories
my victory of waking
my victory of sleeping
always a surprise

when one follows the other

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